Thats the weirdest erotic sentence i’ve read all month
this fucking post singlehandedly ruined my life
You don’t really appreciate how fucking great fan fic is when it comes to writing sex untill you stop to recognise how Serious Literary Stars fail at writing sex.
Forget what his dick is doing, what are her breasts doing? How do a pair of fat sacks attached to a ribcage barrel-roll anywhere? Let alone across a man’s mouth and then his wanger immediately after? Sir, why is your mouth so dong-adjacent? Is your weiner detachable, is that it? Do you have your joystick clutched in your hand so that you can score a sweet schlong-to-titty-roll immediately after a kiss and then proceed to beat your banana all over her body in the world’s most failed attempt at erotic massage??? HOW DO YOU THINK SEX WORKS???
… guys
….. Are the sex scenes in My Immortal better than this? “HE PUT HIS THINGY IN MY YOU-KNOW-WHAT AND WE HAD SEX.”
… I mean. Comparatively…
Like, in My Immortal, it’s at least implied he knows where he’s supposed to put it. It’s very simplistic, Ikea-style sex (insert tab A into slot B) but that’s better than this vague, useless composition of random, nonsensical placement and movement of body parts.
So yes, the sex in My Immortal is, in this sense, better.
OK so I’m sure people are aware of this, but just in case you’re not: there is an annual ‘award’ given every year by the Literary Review for bad sex scenes in fiction. The above entry (sorry) by Morrissey won this illustrious award in 2015 (and yes, he threw a massive tantrum about it, because he’s Morrissey):
The best part of this is that the 2016 nominations were just announced, and OH BOY, there are some absolute crackers this year:
And in case anyone is interested, these are some of the entries that Morrissey beat to the top prize last year:
I agree. We are spoilt by fanfiction.
I literally never want to hear anyone badmouth fanfiction again, I have never in all my years of internetdom read anything as troubling as, “Under that sling, her breasts were like young fawns, sheep frolicking in hyssop – Psalms were about to pour out of me.”
“Come, sonny boy” is where I absolutely lost it
@m0th3rw4r – never put down your writing again. Ever. These are published!!
I feel like at least half of these are trying to be Hemingway–which is yet /another/ reason to never try to be Hemingway. (Number one reason is that Hemingway sucks)
No matter how horrible I think my sex scenes are, I am reasonably certain they are not this terrible.
I’m waiting for a show that takes these romantic scenes and takes two stances. One is what could anatomically happen and the other a way that the human anatomy would have to be in order for these weapons of sex destruction to take place…like an erotic Mythbusters.
AUTHOR | HISTORIAN | ARTIST 