Thats the weirdest erotic sentence i’ve read all month
this fucking post singlehandedly ruined my life
You don’t really appreciate how fucking great fan fic is when it comes to writing sex untill you stop to recognise how Serious Literary Stars fail at writing sex.
Forget what his dick is doing, what are her breasts doing? How do a pair of fat sacks attached to a ribcage barrel-roll anywhere? Let alone across a man’s mouth and then his wanger immediately after? Sir, why is your mouth so dong-adjacent? Is your weiner detachable, is that it? Do you have your joystick clutched in your hand so that you can score a sweet schlong-to-titty-roll immediately after a kiss and then proceed to beat your banana all over her body in the world’s most failed attempt at erotic massage??? HOW DO YOU THINK SEX WORKS???
… guys
….. Are the sex scenes in My Immortal better than this? “HE PUT HIS THINGY IN MY YOU-KNOW-WHAT AND WE HAD SEX.”
… I mean. Comparatively…
Like, in My Immortal, it’s at least implied he knows where he’s supposed to put it. It’s very simplistic, Ikea-style sex (insert tab A into slot B) but that’s better than this vague, useless composition of random, nonsensical placement and movement of body parts.
So yes, the sex in My Immortal is, in this sense, better.
OK so I’m sure people are aware of this, but just in case you’re not: there is an annual ‘award’ given every year by the Literary Review for bad sex scenes in fiction. The above entry (sorry) by Morrissey won this illustrious award in 2015 (and yes, he threw a massive tantrum about it, because he’s Morrissey):
The best part of this is that the 2016 nominations were just announced, and OH BOY, there are some absolute crackers this year:
And in case anyone is interested, these are some of the entries that Morrissey beat to the top prize last year:
I agree. We are spoilt by fanfiction.
I literally never want to hear anyone badmouth fanfiction again, I have never in all my years of internetdom read anything as troubling as, “Under that sling, her breasts were like young fawns, sheep frolicking in hyssop – Psalms were about to pour out of me.”
“Come, sonny boy” is where I absolutely lost it
@m0th3rw4r – never put down your writing again. Ever. These are published!!
I feel like at least half of these are trying to be Hemingway–which is yet /another/ reason to never try to be Hemingway. (Number one reason is that Hemingway sucks)
No matter how horrible I think my sex scenes are, I am reasonably certain they are not this terrible.
I’m waiting for a show that takes these romantic scenes and takes two stances. One is what could anatomically happen and the other a way that the human anatomy would have to be in order for these weapons of sex destruction to take place…like an erotic Mythbusters.
Thats the weirdest erotic sentence i’ve read all month
this fucking post singlehandedly ruined my life
You don’t really appreciate how fucking great fan fic is when it comes to writing sex untill you stop to recognise how Serious Literary Stars fail at writing sex.
Forget what his dick is doing, what are her breasts doing? How do a pair of fat sacks attached to a ribcage barrel-roll anywhere? Let alone across a man’s mouth and then his wanger immediately after? Sir, why is your mouth so dong-adjacent? Is your weiner detachable, is that it? Do you have your joystick clutched in your hand so that you can score a sweet schlong-to-titty-roll immediately after a kiss and then proceed to beat your banana all over her body in the world’s most failed attempt at erotic massage??? HOW DO YOU THINK SEX WORKS???
… guys
….. Are the sex scenes in My Immortal better than this? “HE PUT HIS THINGY IN MY YOU-KNOW-WHAT AND WE HAD SEX.”
… I mean. Comparatively…
Like, in My Immortal, it’s at least implied he knows where he’s supposed to put it. It’s very simplistic, Ikea-style sex (insert tab A into slot B) but that’s better than this vague, useless composition of random, nonsensical placement and movement of body parts.
So yes, the sex in My Immortal is, in this sense, better.
OK so I’m sure people are aware of this, but just in case you’re not: there is an annual ‘award’ given every year by the Literary Review for bad sex scenes in fiction. The above entry (sorry) by Morrissey won this illustrious award in 2015 (and yes, he threw a massive tantrum about it, because he’s Morrissey):
The best part of this is that the 2016 nominations were just announced, and OH BOY, there are some absolute crackers this year:
And in case anyone is interested, these are some of the entries that Morrissey beat to the top prize last year:
I agree. We are spoilt by fanfiction.
I literally never want to hear anyone badmouth fanfiction again, I have never in all my years of internetdom read anything as troubling as, “Under that sling, her breasts were like young fawns, sheep frolicking in hyssop – Psalms were about to pour out of me.”
“Come, sonny boy” is where I absolutely lost it
@m0th3rw4r – never put down your writing again. Ever. These are published!!
I feel like at least half of these are trying to be Hemingway–which is yet /another/ reason to never try to be Hemingway. (Number one reason is that Hemingway sucks)
No matter how horrible I think my sex scenes are, I am reasonably certain they are not this terrible.
I’m waiting for a show that takes these romantic scenes and takes two stances. One is what could anatomically happen and the other a way that the human anatomy would have to be in order for these weapons of sex destruction to take place…like an erotic Mythbusters.
#thefourgods doodles! Top left: Zhen, Gen’s servant when he serves as Crown Prince. Top right: Yang, Gen’s oldest brother who is one of the many dukes of the kingdom. Bottom left: Song Daiyu, the lead courtesan of heaven’s Flower House. Daiyu was actually designed by my CP. Bottom right: Ling Huojin, Fengge’s older brother and chief of the Fenghuang tribe. Yay for side characters! #writerslife #characterdesign
9 Powerful Questions To Help Your Spiritual Growth
These questions are designed to help you to look within – it is best to do this exercise with yourself rather than with others.
1. Do I love myself? – A lack of self-love is the root cause of all suffering, reduce your suffering by being kind to yourself and doing something you love today.
2. What kind of energy am I surrounding myself with? – If you’re around people, places and things you hate you cannot expect to have a positive life. Similarly if you’re feeding your body junk – you will feel like junk.
3. Am I holding on to the past? – Whether it’s pain, anger or resentment towards any experience you’ve had in the past – it’s taking away your ability to be present. The past has already gone – the present moment is all that exists.
4. Where is my focus right now? – Whatever you focus on grows, if you are focused on your pain or resentment, this will grow and consume other areas of your life. Similarly if you are focused on what you are grateful for you will attract more of what you love into your life.
5. Am I happy with the life I’m living? – If the answer is no, you know you need to make some significant changes. This life is too short to spend doing things you hate.
6. Whose life am I living? – Living your life according to the opinions of others makes you their prisoner. Start living in a way that serves and fulfils you
7. Am I creating my reality or letting life happen to me? – Take responsibility for the way you feel and use your actions to create a better reality right now.
8. Am I comparing myself to others? – The greatest way to doubt yourself is by comparison to others. You are a unique individual – you are here for your own purpose and they are here for theirs.
9. Am I being honest with myself? – Lying to yourself creates resistance inside you which will be reflected in those you meet in your every day life.
Peace & positive vibes.
Got a question for me? Add me on Skype for a free consultation – spoonofconsciousness@gmail.com
A bit of a #beforeandafter and #throwbackthursday, on the left is a drawing of Fengge I did in 2011, when I was beginning to take #thefourgods seriously as a piece of writing. On the right is a drawing of Fengge I did this morning in pencil. His design and wardrobe have changed to mirror his affiliation with southern China and to display more of the Fenghuang culture shown in the book. He’s also no longer the protagonist, but plays a crucial role in the story. #characterdesign #writerslife #fenghuang
Happy Fourth everyone! To celebrate, I decided to post on my quarterly goals and make new ones for this upcoming third quarter. Let’s see how I did this last quarter!
1. Get major edits for TFG done that got covered in beta reads up to this point.
–This got done, but I would have liked to have been able to do more because I’m not happy with the MS right now.
2. Research editors for TFG.
–Done!
3. Continue to manage blood sugar.
–I didn’t do as good as I would have liked. I call this one a failure.
4. Continue exercise regimen.
–I did this. :3
5. Post extras for The Moon-Eyed Ones and TFG.
–I sorta did this. I still would like to do more.
6. Do a promotion for The Moon-Eyed Ones.
–I did this. I ran a Facebook ad, but I’d like to do more.
7. Actually get active on social media.
–Fail here…again.
8. Outline and start TFG Book 2
–Did this!
9. Maintain weight, dang it.
–Nope. Fail.
10. Set up a marketing plan for TFG.
–I did this. I made a marketing plan, but the key is actually implementing it.
11. Research publishing options.
–Done.
12. Research possible cover artists.
–And done.
That’s 8 out of 12, which means I won this quarter. 🙂 I am really going to challenge myself this next quarter, so here are my future goals.
1. Rework TFG 1 and have it ready for the professional developmental edit by October 1st.
2. Start Writing Advice Wednesdays and Four Gods Fridays Q&As.
3. Maintain blood sugar.
4. Keep exercise regimen.
5. Do a promotion for The Moon-Eyed Ones.
6. Post more extras for TFG.
7. Continue work on TFG 2.
8. Read and finish at least 2 books on reading list.
9. Practice/review speaking and writing Mandarin for 1 hour at least 3 times per week.
10. Have a personal spa day at least 1 day per week.
We’ll see how I do this quarter! 🙂 For all my American readers, enjoy your holiday and stay safe! Hope everyone else has a great day!
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